My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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