gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
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shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
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I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
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