I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
