Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
