that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
