Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
