Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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