If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
