I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
