I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I just found puke in my bra..
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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