YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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