from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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