i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
