So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
