this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
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Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
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I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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