Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
