dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Randomize
