Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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