he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
