you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
