Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
