you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
