How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
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