god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
