Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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