We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
