Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
