I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
