I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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