I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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