He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
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