when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
