You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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