hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
