Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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