I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
