So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
