I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
