shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize