he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
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After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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