My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
