So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
