I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Is Oprah even human
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
