The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Randomize
