My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Randomize