apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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