Got a toothbrush?
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
