Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
