Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
