Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
