There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
