Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
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