If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
