i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize