Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
