You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
